My blogs are going to be different from now on, well at least that is what I plan at this moment. Before they always sounded like chapters from a book. But now I want to write a blog, still positive, but more authentically what I experience in my inner life.
So this one is all about being present or not. Today when I was praying and asking why something has not appeared yet. What I got as an answer was that as long as I keep myself in the future, imagining the future, then it can never come, because my energy is sort of dissipated. I am not here now, but a part of me is over yonder. God said to me that this is why so many prayers come for people in the 11th hour. It isn't that God wants to make us wait, or that he is got this thing about giving us things last minute. He said it is because we sort of put our thoughts or focus, our attention into the future and then are not really present. He said we can only receive things if we are truly present. Here an now. Only when we get to the 11th hour do we often then become present because at that point there is no future. Only the now.
Well yes I could totally see what he was saying to me. I definitely do this. I have noticed how much I live in my mind. Either thinking about the future, remembering the past, judging things, annalyzing things, listening to my own thoughts, racing thoughts. All of this is not very relaxing or peaceful. I realized recently why I procrasinate, its a need for peace and to be centered and present. To be still, to be peace. To not race.
There is a sense, maybe its cultural I don't know if everyone feels this way, that I am in a continual race towards things, careers, marriage, money, slim body, many things. But a sense of deadlines, racing, trying to beat the clock so to speak. I realized there is a part of me that needs to be balanced where I am not always doing, but being as well. I remember President Gordon Hinkley talked about this. That every day we need to be spending some time "being". He's right, and I realized that a part of me really rebells by procrastinating if I don't let myself "be".
So I have started to practice meditation again. I have been doing a "smile to your heart" meditation which is really sweet. I also went back to a group called Centering Prayer. I like it. Its a Christian meditation group. Very sweet. It was nice because it was totally Christ oriented, yet also meditative. I noticed that when I do meditate, my mind is so quiet aftewards and I do feel so much more present. So this is what I am going to be working on over the next while. I realized when I started to meditate that I have a need just to sit quietly to do nothing and simply be.
The next thing I have been realizing lately is that I often live as if I am alone. I forget that I have Jesus in my life to talk to and give over burdens too, as well as the Holy Spirit with in me to comfort me and ask for help from. So the last while has been quite challenging in my life, and with in myself, yet I have had to really reach out for the light more. I have realized I have needed a closer relationship with God, with Jesus, with the Holy Spirit. I know the ultimate solution to every life challenge is a close walk with God. I know that God wants us to be close to him.
He is our father and more than anything he wants us to love and be loved by him, he wants intimacy, and knows this the best thing for us too! I know this is why some people turn to addictions, alcohol, drugs, sex, shopping, gambling, food etc. I have turned mostly to food. But it is a need for comfort, for help, support, love in a way. God offers this, but we need to remember he's there for us. I need to remember this. His love is what I need the most. No addiction is going to fill that void. They are poor substitutes for what my soul really craves.
So...I am going to be going through some big changes in the next while, and I am not sure how its all going to unfold. Even in the next couple of days, I don't know how everything is going to work out perfectly, but a message I always get from God is "be at peace, everything will work out perfectly because you are loved!"
That is what I also want to start really feeling is how loved I am. I heard the expression a Happy Heart recently and I used it today as my words in Centering Prayer. I just kept focusing on the words " happy heart" I think so much about whether were are happy or believe we can succeed etc is knowing and truly feeling and getting that we are loved. I need to get that. I am going to start writing out at the end of the day how I was loved during the day.
