Learning to Harmonize All That Is Good

Yesterday I was on my way to my friend's house to lend her the The Other Side Of Heaven.  A book about an Apostle's missionary experience in Tonga.  They made a movie about it which is quite good, but not as deep and powerful as the book. 

I decided to read randomly excerpts from the book on the way to her house.  I didn't even care what part I was reading.  As well as finding it so interesting, I was amazed at how much I felt the Spirit.  It was soooooooooo strong, pure, happy, light, bright...truly incredible.  I found myself being filled with the Holy Spirit just reading this book.  I still do some things from other paths that I once knew.  I have taken with me the good, and I recently have started as I have mentioned in my previous blogs, started doing Centering Prayer again.  I also am learning how to do Transcendental Meditation.  Now TM is a very simple meditation that so many people swear by, including my father.  It simply helps us disengage from the mind where all the anxious, angry, worried, racing thoughts are, and helps us be still and quiet and simply sit in our spirits. 

I am new at doing it, but I feel Heavenly Father really guided me towards it.  I have been learning different types of meditation and so far I do a Smile To Your Heart Meditation.  Very good.  But its still a "doing" meditation.  But TM is not doing at all.  Its effortless, easy, gentle, and truly feels like it gives me a rest.  Which I need.  I have always had a fast moving brain, and my mind sometimes overwhelms me with thoughts which do cause me to feel anxious and tense.  I know that in our spirit are all the lovely qualities of God.  All the qualities of heaven.  There lives peace, joy, happiness, love etc. 

Now lately as I have been learning and doing other things that are not taught by church I have been comparing how I feel, do I feel the Spirit, does it in any way dampen the Spirit?  For awhile I was being either or too much.  Either I am in the church, or I do other things.  But now I am realizing I can be a Mormon and enjoy, and benefit from anything else that I find useful or positive. 

When  I was first investigating.  One of the things that the Missionaries showed me was Joseph Smith's teaching was that we seek after all things that are good, can embrace anything that is good and use it for our benefit.  We don't have to shun things because they belong to the church.  That is soooo cool!!  So this I am working out. 

Working out my own brain that wants to be either or, and I guess I have been use to being in churches and on paths that are very rigid and judgmental, where if you are doing anything that is not of that church or path, you are judged and what you are doing is treated with fear and contempt.  I am so glad I don't belong to that kind of church or path anymore.  However, now I need to help my own brain be inclusive and gentle in this way. 

I spent many years being confused, or feeling like I had to choose one or the other all the time.  But if both were good, then I would just feel incredible stress inside.  So now I am realizing I can be dedicated Mormon and also learn and do other things that are beneficial to me.  I don't have to throw away the church, nor do I have to turn my back on things outside the church that work for me.  I am working all this out.  I do think Satan has tried to work on me with this. 

Tried to convince me that I don't need the church, but to bring this full circle, when I read parts of the Other Side Of Heaven book, I was once again reminded that it is in the church that I feel the Spirit higher, brighter, happier, more innocently and purer than anywhere else.  So no Satan, I will not be giving up the church just because I find some other things helpful to my life as well. 
I am firmly on the path, and I do not leave the path, just bring onto it things from other sources that I find positive and helpful. 

Come As a Little Child

I spent some time doing Centering Prayer today.  I tried 10 minute intervals, because I wasn't sure how long I could really do it for.  But actually it went quite well.  I just sat saying my word in my head, if my thoughts tried to take over I came back to my word, and just made the intention to love God and experience God's love and be in loving union.  I have to say it was a beautiful experience.  I could really feel mine and his love and it really made me smile. 

What I also became aware of is that for awhile now very subtly I had definitely been "leaning on my own understanding rather than God's"  Now I didn't realize this.  It was subtle.  But I had been experiencing on a small level the prodigal son syndrom.  Not dramatically, so I didn't even notice, but in a small way.  This had made me feel a bit separate from God's Kingdom, a little out side of it.  What I learned was that when we "lean on our own understanding rather than God's" some of the innocent, pure, humility goes out the window.  So does the feeling of being really guided, taken care of, loved etc.  Its replaced by a bit of anger, frustration, a fighting, rebelling spirit.  Now like I said it was just a small amount for me, I have experienced this in much much larger ways in the past.  But it was still there.  I found by doing the centering prayer and simply focusing on loving God, I became aware of this, and was able to start letting it go.  I hear the Holy Spirit speaking to me about it, making me aware of it.  I then had the coming back home experience. 

I felt my innocence return.  Now I guess the part that I am trying to work out, and perhaps this is a life long process for everyone, is how to balance having a mind where we are meant to think, reason things out, choose things in life etc.  And yet lean not on our own understanding but on God's.  I don't think I intentionally want to step out of the kingdom at all, but trying to work out how to be a person with a mind, with choice, with freedom, with an individual personality and yet also remain still a child of God.  Live in that harmony, that relationship, have that innocence and humility.  Well if anyone has any  comments on how to do this effectively please let me know.  I would love to hear your thoughts on this. 

A Closer Walk With Thee

I am trying to feel closer to God.  I am reading a great book called The Loving Search for God.  He says that when we feel this urge it is actually God that wants to feel closer to us.  He calls us first and we then feel the urge because we are being called.  I can't help wonder if this is what happened to Joseph Smith. 

He felt a call towards God quite strongly but perhaps his call was really God calling him.  God knew he was going to restore the church.  So that burning in his breast that he felt towards the passage in the bible that got him to pray, was the Spirit calling him into prayer so then he could begin his mission in life. 

I have been feeling this desire to feel close to God.  But reading that it is God that wants me first, made me feel kind of excited.  I have been practising, (or trying to) Centering Prayer again.  Its basically Christian meditation. 

You sit eyes closed and you have one word you choose that makes you feel close to God.  My word is Divine.  Then you simply "love God and bask in the love God has for us"  Its not praying for anything, just being in loving union.  I am just starting this, I had done it a bit a few years ago.  I didn't really get that this is what Centering prayer is until I began reading this book.  I thought it was just sitting still and meditating where you are quieting your mind and using the prayer word to create quietness. 

But according to this man who is an expert on Centering prayer (I think he is monk) he says its not just sitting quietly but being in loving union.  I like this.  It feels like being, not doing.  Similar to just being with a loved one, basking in each others love.  Yes it seems very important if we are going to have a relationship with anyone we need to just sometimes 'be' with them and just enjoy the love and feel the union of this love. 

Well obviously doing this with God is even more essential.  He truly is our Father and so I can see him wanting to love us, and wanting us to feel and truly just be in his love and for us to love him back. 

I have so many things on my plate right now, I can at times feel so overwhelmed.  Yet I know again its an opportunity to be quiet, center, be still and just love God and let him love me.  Seek first the Kingdom and all things shall be added.  Yep this is where I am at, and kind of being led.  I tend to be a very racing person.  I think fast, very fast, talk fast, have millions of thoughts crashing through my brain. 

So I think my soul needs to sit, be still and just be in this loving union.  It does quiet down my mind, and truly when we have so many challenges at once, this is when we need love the most.  I realized this recently.  I was trying to cope with and do so many thing on my own. 

Then it was at a child's baptism, where I was asked to speak, I realized as I was preparing my talk how much I was not asking for the comfort of the Spirit, which I needed, and how much I was not putting my burdens on Christ.  But just trying to do it alone and I felt like a little tug boat being bashed about the waves. 

Here is something amazing, as I am writing this I just realized that Ella Fitzgerald is singing A Closer Walk With Thee.  Yes I guess that is what my blog is about, and what I am learning about too.  I think I will change the title of this blog to that song name.  A Closer Walk With Thee. 

I suppose that is the upside of having problems, we then do come closer to God and actually from that we can then feel more guided, more love, stronger in our relationshp to him.  Well I am going to keep practising the Centering Prayer, wish me luck!