I believe I wrote about this once before, but like all great Truths, they are a life long and beyond process to understand. One of my all time favorite passages from scripture has always been Seek First The Kingdom of God and all these things shall be added... I have always felt in my spirit the truth of this. One a spiritual level, I get it. But on my human level it has been a process.
Today I came to a deeper understanding. I was going to say "new" understanding, but no, I think its just deeper clearer understanding. Now in my last blog I wrote about meditation. My attempt at TM (Transedental Meditation). Then I also talked about Centering Prayer. Well I decided at this time not to continue with TM, although I know many people love it and benefit from it greatly! However, I felt more of a resonance with Centering Prayer. First of all its Christian, its more about connecting to God, which I liked. However, again, it took me a while to understand what centering prayer really was. And I don't claim now to fully understand it, but I can only share with you the understanding I have gained up to this point and the experiences I have had.
In order to explain some of this, I need to explain what happened last night. Really it doesn't begin last night, but I did have a break through last night and this morning.
For many years now, when I go into fast food places there can be many people in front of me, and I noticed that they always got asked "is it for here or to go?" When it came to me, they just stuck my food in a bag and handed it to me, and never asked if it was to go or not. I usually just took my bag to my seat and ate. At first I didn't even notice, then I noticed and felt perplexed, then I noticed and felt upset, then I noticed and got irritated by it. But then I decided to try to understand what I gave off that people would assume always, different people in various places for years that I wanted it to go?
Recently I became aware that I rush all the time. I feel sort of rushed by time. Basically the belief is if I don't rush, hurry, move extremely fast I will lose out, won't get what I need etc. When I lived in Vancouver it all felt normal because cities tend to be fast with lots of things rushing. But then I moved to North Vancouver, which does make me feel more relaxed and slow, however, I still noticed my tendancy to rush. Deadlines really trigger me, even time triggers me into this.
Now I have attended a contemplation/communication group for years. I started this group about almost 24 years ago. I have taken a couple of breaks, 3 I think where I didn't go for a year or 2, but I always return. Now in the beginning the leader and I use to have these huge arguments because he could see me not contemplating, which is at least 50 % of the practice. I would only talk. And our discussion went something like this "Brianna you are not contemplating, give yourself some time to contemplate." "I am contemplating!" "No you are not, you just talking," "I am contemplating, just faster" No matter what he said I just defended myself.
Eventually he gave up and he had not said anything to me about my contemplation or lack for many many years. But last night he gave a talk about his son who he had spent years teaching to ski. He is a skiier also lives in North Van and has taught all his kids to ski. He said his one son, refused to bend his knees. And their discussion went similar to our discussion. "Ian bend your knees this will help you ski" " I am bending my knees." "You are not, your knees are stiff as board." " No they're not they are bent." He said his son was afraid to bend his knees and didn't trust that this would help him actually ski properly, so he would keep his knees stiff in fear, and yet kept insisting he was bending them. I could relate. Finally he said he got down on his knees and pleaded with him to just once try bending his knees and see what happens. Finally this one day his son did it. He bent his knees and skiied properly.
Well I am listening to this story and realizing this is me. His son is me, except with me it is not bending my knees its contemplation. I remembered all the times the leader pleaded with me to contemplate, take the time to really contemplate, not just 2 seconds. I realized something last night, that I was scared to contemplate because we have a time limit. Each dyad( which is what this practice is called) is 40 minutes. We sit with a partner, each person gets a 5 minute time block to contemplate on a question and then speak about it. We go back and forth taking turns with our partner. We each get 4, 5 minute turns. In an evening we usually do 2, 40 minute dyads. Now because there is a time limit, the 5 minutes, I always felt afraid to truly take the time to contemplate. I felt if I took to much time, slowed down, was still and truly contemplated I would lose out. The dyad would end before I got to say anything and I would leave unfulfilled. But this goes back to how I live. A belief that I must rush, hurry or I will lose out. Yet if you have ever tried to get in the house quickly and get your key in the door you know how effective this is. It often takes mutiple tries, plus sometimes the key drops, and this is when we most need to get in quickly. Yet when we do it slowly and deliberately how much quicker do we get in, how much easier is to get the key in there?
So...after the leader gave his talk on his son and skiing last night, I realized my fear of contemplating, and what I had been thinking about this for all these years, how I have lived all these years. I decided to try for the first time truly contemplating, taking the time, slowing down etc. And I can tell you it was way way more fulfilling. I learned that true fulfillment, effective living, actually comes when we can slow down, be still, be silent even. So that was the first break through, which led to another today. Because I have been fervently looking for a job, of course I have felt all the pressure of deadlines, because I need money, I have felt rushed, hurried by time.
Because of this, I have had a hard time spending the time with God that I need to do. But today I decided to make my first while in the morning a time to truly do the things I need to do to feel the Spirit, to feel centered etc. I decided to practice my centering prayer. I realized while I was sitting there, that what centering prayer is really, and again I may get even more down the road, but for now this felt like a big break through, its spending time with God. Actual time. And just being with God. I don't need to ask, or thank, or do anything. I can, but I can just be. Similar to just sitting in the arms of someone we love. Just being there in their arms is an important part of intimacy and love. So I spent time just "being" with God. At one point we did begin to converse, and and all of sudden I felt the Seek First The Kingdom " make sense. I could feel myself being filled up with God's presence, power, light, love.
Being with God I felt guided, could hear words of wisdom spoken to me, felt close to God. When I say God I mean I did this with Heavenly Father, Jesus, and The Holy Spirit. I felt my divinity wake up. I felt not alone. But surrounded with Heavenly help, support, love, gentleness, beauty. So....this is my new dedication, to spend few minutes or even a half an hour just being with God. I get it. If I do this first then all that I need in life and even the good I want will come and I will be led. I will be then immersed in the Holy presence of God as I continue with my day and life. And to truly live the best I can, to be kind, to be loving, to be wise, to feel guidance, to make positive choices, I need God's Kingdom. When I sit, be quiet as I can, and just Be with God I then live in the Kingdom here on earth, which leads to so much good in life!
In the Name of Jesus Christ Amen
