I am definitely someone who wanted to figure it all out. So many times I thought I had it figured out. When I was 17 years old I remember saying to myself, "I know how the whole world works. I have it all figured out." I really did say this, and really believed this. Then with in about 6 months my whole life changed. Life as I knew it took a 180 degree turn. I was in a foreign land with no clue how to survive or where I was heading. I remember as a child watching a true story about a girl, I think she was German, and she was only a teenager when the plane she was in with her mother crashed. She was the sole survivor and landed in a jungle, where she had no clue how to survive and live. It was a mysterious and dangerous world. Survive she did, but it was harrowing to watch, and I'm sure even more harrowing to live through. But she figured it out over time and was eventually rescued.
Well I can relate to this. That was me at 18. Everything I had believed in and thought was true was turned upside down. That is when I began my long journey of personal growth. Now days I do it because I love it! Sometimes I do it because I hit upon important things I need to understand, transform or heal. But back then I "had" to do it because everything had come apart and I had to start over and figure out how to put the world and myself back together. Of course it wasn't really back together as it was, it was starting a whole new life.
Now many times I have come to places on my journey where I thought I had all the answers and had it figured out. But that usually only lasts for a time, then I wake up a bit more to the Truth and realize there is so much I don't know. I have come to a place where I realize the universe truly is so much bigger than we can ever know. Its an infinite reality that goes way beyond our finite minds. Even just looking at the planets in the sky I am memorized by the brilliance of the universe and reminded that it is so much bigger and grander than I can ever imagine.
So now I am allowing myself to enjoy being here. I am opening up to more and more truth, and at the same time understanding that I do not need to put God, Truth or the universe in a box. Its all way bigger than me, and that is fine. In fact it is this mystery and vastness what makes it all so exciting. I get to expand each time I open up and come to know a bit more about the universe. That is so much better than trying to put it all into a little package.
The universe is vast, life is vast, and we are vast, let's just marvel at this, and leave it at that! We don't need to squish it down to fit in our hands so that we can make sense of it. We could just enjoy the ride and get to know the universe, truth, ourselves etc. See what is there, explore and let it reveal and unfold its self to us. Rather than us trying to force it to be certain ways. I say enjoy, explore, awaken!!
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Seek First The Kingdom...
I believe I wrote about this once before, but like all great Truths, they are a life long and beyond process to understand. One of my all time favorite passages from scripture has always been Seek First The Kingdom of God and all these things shall be added... I have always felt in my spirit the truth of this. One a spiritual level, I get it. But on my human level it has been a process.
Today I came to a deeper understanding. I was going to say "new" understanding, but no, I think its just deeper clearer understanding. Now in my last blog I wrote about meditation. My attempt at TM (Transedental Meditation). Then I also talked about Centering Prayer. Well I decided at this time not to continue with TM, although I know many people love it and benefit from it greatly! However, I felt more of a resonance with Centering Prayer. First of all its Christian, its more about connecting to God, which I liked. However, again, it took me a while to understand what centering prayer really was. And I don't claim now to fully understand it, but I can only share with you the understanding I have gained up to this point and the experiences I have had.
In order to explain some of this, I need to explain what happened last night. Really it doesn't begin last night, but I did have a break through last night and this morning.
For many years now, when I go into fast food places there can be many people in front of me, and I noticed that they always got asked "is it for here or to go?" When it came to me, they just stuck my food in a bag and handed it to me, and never asked if it was to go or not. I usually just took my bag to my seat and ate. At first I didn't even notice, then I noticed and felt perplexed, then I noticed and felt upset, then I noticed and got irritated by it. But then I decided to try to understand what I gave off that people would assume always, different people in various places for years that I wanted it to go?
Recently I became aware that I rush all the time. I feel sort of rushed by time. Basically the belief is if I don't rush, hurry, move extremely fast I will lose out, won't get what I need etc. When I lived in Vancouver it all felt normal because cities tend to be fast with lots of things rushing. But then I moved to North Vancouver, which does make me feel more relaxed and slow, however, I still noticed my tendancy to rush. Deadlines really trigger me, even time triggers me into this.
Now I have attended a contemplation/communication group for years. I started this group about almost 24 years ago. I have taken a couple of breaks, 3 I think where I didn't go for a year or 2, but I always return. Now in the beginning the leader and I use to have these huge arguments because he could see me not contemplating, which is at least 50 % of the practice. I would only talk. And our discussion went something like this "Brianna you are not contemplating, give yourself some time to contemplate." "I am contemplating!" "No you are not, you just talking," "I am contemplating, just faster" No matter what he said I just defended myself.
Eventually he gave up and he had not said anything to me about my contemplation or lack for many many years. But last night he gave a talk about his son who he had spent years teaching to ski. He is a skiier also lives in North Van and has taught all his kids to ski. He said his one son, refused to bend his knees. And their discussion went similar to our discussion. "Ian bend your knees this will help you ski" " I am bending my knees." "You are not, your knees are stiff as board." " No they're not they are bent." He said his son was afraid to bend his knees and didn't trust that this would help him actually ski properly, so he would keep his knees stiff in fear, and yet kept insisting he was bending them. I could relate. Finally he said he got down on his knees and pleaded with him to just once try bending his knees and see what happens. Finally this one day his son did it. He bent his knees and skiied properly.
Well I am listening to this story and realizing this is me. His son is me, except with me it is not bending my knees its contemplation. I remembered all the times the leader pleaded with me to contemplate, take the time to really contemplate, not just 2 seconds. I realized something last night, that I was scared to contemplate because we have a time limit. Each dyad( which is what this practice is called) is 40 minutes. We sit with a partner, each person gets a 5 minute time block to contemplate on a question and then speak about it. We go back and forth taking turns with our partner. We each get 4, 5 minute turns. In an evening we usually do 2, 40 minute dyads. Now because there is a time limit, the 5 minutes, I always felt afraid to truly take the time to contemplate. I felt if I took to much time, slowed down, was still and truly contemplated I would lose out. The dyad would end before I got to say anything and I would leave unfulfilled. But this goes back to how I live. A belief that I must rush, hurry or I will lose out. Yet if you have ever tried to get in the house quickly and get your key in the door you know how effective this is. It often takes mutiple tries, plus sometimes the key drops, and this is when we most need to get in quickly. Yet when we do it slowly and deliberately how much quicker do we get in, how much easier is to get the key in there?
So...after the leader gave his talk on his son and skiing last night, I realized my fear of contemplating, and what I had been thinking about this for all these years, how I have lived all these years. I decided to try for the first time truly contemplating, taking the time, slowing down etc. And I can tell you it was way way more fulfilling. I learned that true fulfillment, effective living, actually comes when we can slow down, be still, be silent even. So that was the first break through, which led to another today. Because I have been fervently looking for a job, of course I have felt all the pressure of deadlines, because I need money, I have felt rushed, hurried by time.
Because of this, I have had a hard time spending the time with God that I need to do. But today I decided to make my first while in the morning a time to truly do the things I need to do to feel the Spirit, to feel centered etc. I decided to practice my centering prayer. I realized while I was sitting there, that what centering prayer is really, and again I may get even more down the road, but for now this felt like a big break through, its spending time with God. Actual time. And just being with God. I don't need to ask, or thank, or do anything. I can, but I can just be. Similar to just sitting in the arms of someone we love. Just being there in their arms is an important part of intimacy and love. So I spent time just "being" with God. At one point we did begin to converse, and and all of sudden I felt the Seek First The Kingdom " make sense. I could feel myself being filled up with God's presence, power, light, love.
Being with God I felt guided, could hear words of wisdom spoken to me, felt close to God. When I say God I mean I did this with Heavenly Father, Jesus, and The Holy Spirit. I felt my divinity wake up. I felt not alone. But surrounded with Heavenly help, support, love, gentleness, beauty. So....this is my new dedication, to spend few minutes or even a half an hour just being with God. I get it. If I do this first then all that I need in life and even the good I want will come and I will be led. I will be then immersed in the Holy presence of God as I continue with my day and life. And to truly live the best I can, to be kind, to be loving, to be wise, to feel guidance, to make positive choices, I need God's Kingdom. When I sit, be quiet as I can, and just Be with God I then live in the Kingdom here on earth, which leads to so much good in life!
In the Name of Jesus Christ Amen
Today I came to a deeper understanding. I was going to say "new" understanding, but no, I think its just deeper clearer understanding. Now in my last blog I wrote about meditation. My attempt at TM (Transedental Meditation). Then I also talked about Centering Prayer. Well I decided at this time not to continue with TM, although I know many people love it and benefit from it greatly! However, I felt more of a resonance with Centering Prayer. First of all its Christian, its more about connecting to God, which I liked. However, again, it took me a while to understand what centering prayer really was. And I don't claim now to fully understand it, but I can only share with you the understanding I have gained up to this point and the experiences I have had.
In order to explain some of this, I need to explain what happened last night. Really it doesn't begin last night, but I did have a break through last night and this morning.
For many years now, when I go into fast food places there can be many people in front of me, and I noticed that they always got asked "is it for here or to go?" When it came to me, they just stuck my food in a bag and handed it to me, and never asked if it was to go or not. I usually just took my bag to my seat and ate. At first I didn't even notice, then I noticed and felt perplexed, then I noticed and felt upset, then I noticed and got irritated by it. But then I decided to try to understand what I gave off that people would assume always, different people in various places for years that I wanted it to go?
Recently I became aware that I rush all the time. I feel sort of rushed by time. Basically the belief is if I don't rush, hurry, move extremely fast I will lose out, won't get what I need etc. When I lived in Vancouver it all felt normal because cities tend to be fast with lots of things rushing. But then I moved to North Vancouver, which does make me feel more relaxed and slow, however, I still noticed my tendancy to rush. Deadlines really trigger me, even time triggers me into this.
Now I have attended a contemplation/communication group for years. I started this group about almost 24 years ago. I have taken a couple of breaks, 3 I think where I didn't go for a year or 2, but I always return. Now in the beginning the leader and I use to have these huge arguments because he could see me not contemplating, which is at least 50 % of the practice. I would only talk. And our discussion went something like this "Brianna you are not contemplating, give yourself some time to contemplate." "I am contemplating!" "No you are not, you just talking," "I am contemplating, just faster" No matter what he said I just defended myself.
Eventually he gave up and he had not said anything to me about my contemplation or lack for many many years. But last night he gave a talk about his son who he had spent years teaching to ski. He is a skiier also lives in North Van and has taught all his kids to ski. He said his one son, refused to bend his knees. And their discussion went similar to our discussion. "Ian bend your knees this will help you ski" " I am bending my knees." "You are not, your knees are stiff as board." " No they're not they are bent." He said his son was afraid to bend his knees and didn't trust that this would help him actually ski properly, so he would keep his knees stiff in fear, and yet kept insisting he was bending them. I could relate. Finally he said he got down on his knees and pleaded with him to just once try bending his knees and see what happens. Finally this one day his son did it. He bent his knees and skiied properly.
Well I am listening to this story and realizing this is me. His son is me, except with me it is not bending my knees its contemplation. I remembered all the times the leader pleaded with me to contemplate, take the time to really contemplate, not just 2 seconds. I realized something last night, that I was scared to contemplate because we have a time limit. Each dyad( which is what this practice is called) is 40 minutes. We sit with a partner, each person gets a 5 minute time block to contemplate on a question and then speak about it. We go back and forth taking turns with our partner. We each get 4, 5 minute turns. In an evening we usually do 2, 40 minute dyads. Now because there is a time limit, the 5 minutes, I always felt afraid to truly take the time to contemplate. I felt if I took to much time, slowed down, was still and truly contemplated I would lose out. The dyad would end before I got to say anything and I would leave unfulfilled. But this goes back to how I live. A belief that I must rush, hurry or I will lose out. Yet if you have ever tried to get in the house quickly and get your key in the door you know how effective this is. It often takes mutiple tries, plus sometimes the key drops, and this is when we most need to get in quickly. Yet when we do it slowly and deliberately how much quicker do we get in, how much easier is to get the key in there?
So...after the leader gave his talk on his son and skiing last night, I realized my fear of contemplating, and what I had been thinking about this for all these years, how I have lived all these years. I decided to try for the first time truly contemplating, taking the time, slowing down etc. And I can tell you it was way way more fulfilling. I learned that true fulfillment, effective living, actually comes when we can slow down, be still, be silent even. So that was the first break through, which led to another today. Because I have been fervently looking for a job, of course I have felt all the pressure of deadlines, because I need money, I have felt rushed, hurried by time.
Because of this, I have had a hard time spending the time with God that I need to do. But today I decided to make my first while in the morning a time to truly do the things I need to do to feel the Spirit, to feel centered etc. I decided to practice my centering prayer. I realized while I was sitting there, that what centering prayer is really, and again I may get even more down the road, but for now this felt like a big break through, its spending time with God. Actual time. And just being with God. I don't need to ask, or thank, or do anything. I can, but I can just be. Similar to just sitting in the arms of someone we love. Just being there in their arms is an important part of intimacy and love. So I spent time just "being" with God. At one point we did begin to converse, and and all of sudden I felt the Seek First The Kingdom " make sense. I could feel myself being filled up with God's presence, power, light, love.
Being with God I felt guided, could hear words of wisdom spoken to me, felt close to God. When I say God I mean I did this with Heavenly Father, Jesus, and The Holy Spirit. I felt my divinity wake up. I felt not alone. But surrounded with Heavenly help, support, love, gentleness, beauty. So....this is my new dedication, to spend few minutes or even a half an hour just being with God. I get it. If I do this first then all that I need in life and even the good I want will come and I will be led. I will be then immersed in the Holy presence of God as I continue with my day and life. And to truly live the best I can, to be kind, to be loving, to be wise, to feel guidance, to make positive choices, I need God's Kingdom. When I sit, be quiet as I can, and just Be with God I then live in the Kingdom here on earth, which leads to so much good in life!
In the Name of Jesus Christ Amen
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Learning to Harmonize All That Is Good
Yesterday I was on my way to my friend's house to lend her the The Other Side Of Heaven. A book about an Apostle's missionary experience in Tonga. They made a movie about it which is quite good, but not as deep and powerful as the book.
I decided to read randomly excerpts from the book on the way to her house. I didn't even care what part I was reading. As well as finding it so interesting, I was amazed at how much I felt the Spirit. It was soooooooooo strong, pure, happy, light, bright...truly incredible. I found myself being filled with the Holy Spirit just reading this book. I still do some things from other paths that I once knew. I have taken with me the good, and I recently have started as I have mentioned in my previous blogs, started doing Centering Prayer again. I also am learning how to do Transcendental Meditation. Now TM is a very simple meditation that so many people swear by, including my father. It simply helps us disengage from the mind where all the anxious, angry, worried, racing thoughts are, and helps us be still and quiet and simply sit in our spirits.
I am new at doing it, but I feel Heavenly Father really guided me towards it. I have been learning different types of meditation and so far I do a Smile To Your Heart Meditation. Very good. But its still a "doing" meditation. But TM is not doing at all. Its effortless, easy, gentle, and truly feels like it gives me a rest. Which I need. I have always had a fast moving brain, and my mind sometimes overwhelms me with thoughts which do cause me to feel anxious and tense. I know that in our spirit are all the lovely qualities of God. All the qualities of heaven. There lives peace, joy, happiness, love etc.
Now lately as I have been learning and doing other things that are not taught by church I have been comparing how I feel, do I feel the Spirit, does it in any way dampen the Spirit? For awhile I was being either or too much. Either I am in the church, or I do other things. But now I am realizing I can be a Mormon and enjoy, and benefit from anything else that I find useful or positive.
When I was first investigating. One of the things that the Missionaries showed me was Joseph Smith's teaching was that we seek after all things that are good, can embrace anything that is good and use it for our benefit. We don't have to shun things because they belong to the church. That is soooo cool!! So this I am working out.
Working out my own brain that wants to be either or, and I guess I have been use to being in churches and on paths that are very rigid and judgmental, where if you are doing anything that is not of that church or path, you are judged and what you are doing is treated with fear and contempt. I am so glad I don't belong to that kind of church or path anymore. However, now I need to help my own brain be inclusive and gentle in this way.
I spent many years being confused, or feeling like I had to choose one or the other all the time. But if both were good, then I would just feel incredible stress inside. So now I am realizing I can be dedicated Mormon and also learn and do other things that are beneficial to me. I don't have to throw away the church, nor do I have to turn my back on things outside the church that work for me. I am working all this out. I do think Satan has tried to work on me with this.
Tried to convince me that I don't need the church, but to bring this full circle, when I read parts of the Other Side Of Heaven book, I was once again reminded that it is in the church that I feel the Spirit higher, brighter, happier, more innocently and purer than anywhere else. So no Satan, I will not be giving up the church just because I find some other things helpful to my life as well.
I am firmly on the path, and I do not leave the path, just bring onto it things from other sources that I find positive and helpful.
I decided to read randomly excerpts from the book on the way to her house. I didn't even care what part I was reading. As well as finding it so interesting, I was amazed at how much I felt the Spirit. It was soooooooooo strong, pure, happy, light, bright...truly incredible. I found myself being filled with the Holy Spirit just reading this book. I still do some things from other paths that I once knew. I have taken with me the good, and I recently have started as I have mentioned in my previous blogs, started doing Centering Prayer again. I also am learning how to do Transcendental Meditation. Now TM is a very simple meditation that so many people swear by, including my father. It simply helps us disengage from the mind where all the anxious, angry, worried, racing thoughts are, and helps us be still and quiet and simply sit in our spirits.
I am new at doing it, but I feel Heavenly Father really guided me towards it. I have been learning different types of meditation and so far I do a Smile To Your Heart Meditation. Very good. But its still a "doing" meditation. But TM is not doing at all. Its effortless, easy, gentle, and truly feels like it gives me a rest. Which I need. I have always had a fast moving brain, and my mind sometimes overwhelms me with thoughts which do cause me to feel anxious and tense. I know that in our spirit are all the lovely qualities of God. All the qualities of heaven. There lives peace, joy, happiness, love etc.
Now lately as I have been learning and doing other things that are not taught by church I have been comparing how I feel, do I feel the Spirit, does it in any way dampen the Spirit? For awhile I was being either or too much. Either I am in the church, or I do other things. But now I am realizing I can be a Mormon and enjoy, and benefit from anything else that I find useful or positive.
When I was first investigating. One of the things that the Missionaries showed me was Joseph Smith's teaching was that we seek after all things that are good, can embrace anything that is good and use it for our benefit. We don't have to shun things because they belong to the church. That is soooo cool!! So this I am working out.
Working out my own brain that wants to be either or, and I guess I have been use to being in churches and on paths that are very rigid and judgmental, where if you are doing anything that is not of that church or path, you are judged and what you are doing is treated with fear and contempt. I am so glad I don't belong to that kind of church or path anymore. However, now I need to help my own brain be inclusive and gentle in this way.
I spent many years being confused, or feeling like I had to choose one or the other all the time. But if both were good, then I would just feel incredible stress inside. So now I am realizing I can be dedicated Mormon and also learn and do other things that are beneficial to me. I don't have to throw away the church, nor do I have to turn my back on things outside the church that work for me. I am working all this out. I do think Satan has tried to work on me with this.
Tried to convince me that I don't need the church, but to bring this full circle, when I read parts of the Other Side Of Heaven book, I was once again reminded that it is in the church that I feel the Spirit higher, brighter, happier, more innocently and purer than anywhere else. So no Satan, I will not be giving up the church just because I find some other things helpful to my life as well.
I am firmly on the path, and I do not leave the path, just bring onto it things from other sources that I find positive and helpful.
Friday, September 2, 2011
Come As a Little Child
I spent some time doing Centering Prayer today. I tried 10 minute intervals, because I wasn't sure how long I could really do it for. But actually it went quite well. I just sat saying my word in my head, if my thoughts tried to take over I came back to my word, and just made the intention to love God and experience God's love and be in loving union. I have to say it was a beautiful experience. I could really feel mine and his love and it really made me smile.
What I also became aware of is that for awhile now very subtly I had definitely been "leaning on my own understanding rather than God's" Now I didn't realize this. It was subtle. But I had been experiencing on a small level the prodigal son syndrom. Not dramatically, so I didn't even notice, but in a small way. This had made me feel a bit separate from God's Kingdom, a little out side of it. What I learned was that when we "lean on our own understanding rather than God's" some of the innocent, pure, humility goes out the window. So does the feeling of being really guided, taken care of, loved etc. Its replaced by a bit of anger, frustration, a fighting, rebelling spirit. Now like I said it was just a small amount for me, I have experienced this in much much larger ways in the past. But it was still there. I found by doing the centering prayer and simply focusing on loving God, I became aware of this, and was able to start letting it go. I hear the Holy Spirit speaking to me about it, making me aware of it. I then had the coming back home experience.
I felt my innocence return. Now I guess the part that I am trying to work out, and perhaps this is a life long process for everyone, is how to balance having a mind where we are meant to think, reason things out, choose things in life etc. And yet lean not on our own understanding but on God's. I don't think I intentionally want to step out of the kingdom at all, but trying to work out how to be a person with a mind, with choice, with freedom, with an individual personality and yet also remain still a child of God. Live in that harmony, that relationship, have that innocence and humility. Well if anyone has any comments on how to do this effectively please let me know. I would love to hear your thoughts on this.
What I also became aware of is that for awhile now very subtly I had definitely been "leaning on my own understanding rather than God's" Now I didn't realize this. It was subtle. But I had been experiencing on a small level the prodigal son syndrom. Not dramatically, so I didn't even notice, but in a small way. This had made me feel a bit separate from God's Kingdom, a little out side of it. What I learned was that when we "lean on our own understanding rather than God's" some of the innocent, pure, humility goes out the window. So does the feeling of being really guided, taken care of, loved etc. Its replaced by a bit of anger, frustration, a fighting, rebelling spirit. Now like I said it was just a small amount for me, I have experienced this in much much larger ways in the past. But it was still there. I found by doing the centering prayer and simply focusing on loving God, I became aware of this, and was able to start letting it go. I hear the Holy Spirit speaking to me about it, making me aware of it. I then had the coming back home experience.
I felt my innocence return. Now I guess the part that I am trying to work out, and perhaps this is a life long process for everyone, is how to balance having a mind where we are meant to think, reason things out, choose things in life etc. And yet lean not on our own understanding but on God's. I don't think I intentionally want to step out of the kingdom at all, but trying to work out how to be a person with a mind, with choice, with freedom, with an individual personality and yet also remain still a child of God. Live in that harmony, that relationship, have that innocence and humility. Well if anyone has any comments on how to do this effectively please let me know. I would love to hear your thoughts on this.
A Closer Walk With Thee
I am trying to feel closer to God. I am reading a great book called The Loving Search for God. He says that when we feel this urge it is actually God that wants to feel closer to us. He calls us first and we then feel the urge because we are being called. I can't help wonder if this is what happened to Joseph Smith.
He felt a call towards God quite strongly but perhaps his call was really God calling him. God knew he was going to restore the church. So that burning in his breast that he felt towards the passage in the bible that got him to pray, was the Spirit calling him into prayer so then he could begin his mission in life.
I have been feeling this desire to feel close to God. But reading that it is God that wants me first, made me feel kind of excited. I have been practising, (or trying to) Centering Prayer again. Its basically Christian meditation.
You sit eyes closed and you have one word you choose that makes you feel close to God. My word is Divine. Then you simply "love God and bask in the love God has for us" Its not praying for anything, just being in loving union. I am just starting this, I had done it a bit a few years ago. I didn't really get that this is what Centering prayer is until I began reading this book. I thought it was just sitting still and meditating where you are quieting your mind and using the prayer word to create quietness.
But according to this man who is an expert on Centering prayer (I think he is monk) he says its not just sitting quietly but being in loving union. I like this. It feels like being, not doing. Similar to just being with a loved one, basking in each others love. Yes it seems very important if we are going to have a relationship with anyone we need to just sometimes 'be' with them and just enjoy the love and feel the union of this love.
Well obviously doing this with God is even more essential. He truly is our Father and so I can see him wanting to love us, and wanting us to feel and truly just be in his love and for us to love him back.
I have so many things on my plate right now, I can at times feel so overwhelmed. Yet I know again its an opportunity to be quiet, center, be still and just love God and let him love me. Seek first the Kingdom and all things shall be added. Yep this is where I am at, and kind of being led. I tend to be a very racing person. I think fast, very fast, talk fast, have millions of thoughts crashing through my brain.
So I think my soul needs to sit, be still and just be in this loving union. It does quiet down my mind, and truly when we have so many challenges at once, this is when we need love the most. I realized this recently. I was trying to cope with and do so many thing on my own.
Then it was at a child's baptism, where I was asked to speak, I realized as I was preparing my talk how much I was not asking for the comfort of the Spirit, which I needed, and how much I was not putting my burdens on Christ. But just trying to do it alone and I felt like a little tug boat being bashed about the waves.
Here is something amazing, as I am writing this I just realized that Ella Fitzgerald is singing A Closer Walk With Thee. Yes I guess that is what my blog is about, and what I am learning about too. I think I will change the title of this blog to that song name. A Closer Walk With Thee.
I suppose that is the upside of having problems, we then do come closer to God and actually from that we can then feel more guided, more love, stronger in our relationshp to him. Well I am going to keep practising the Centering Prayer, wish me luck!
He felt a call towards God quite strongly but perhaps his call was really God calling him. God knew he was going to restore the church. So that burning in his breast that he felt towards the passage in the bible that got him to pray, was the Spirit calling him into prayer so then he could begin his mission in life.
I have been feeling this desire to feel close to God. But reading that it is God that wants me first, made me feel kind of excited. I have been practising, (or trying to) Centering Prayer again. Its basically Christian meditation.
You sit eyes closed and you have one word you choose that makes you feel close to God. My word is Divine. Then you simply "love God and bask in the love God has for us" Its not praying for anything, just being in loving union. I am just starting this, I had done it a bit a few years ago. I didn't really get that this is what Centering prayer is until I began reading this book. I thought it was just sitting still and meditating where you are quieting your mind and using the prayer word to create quietness.
But according to this man who is an expert on Centering prayer (I think he is monk) he says its not just sitting quietly but being in loving union. I like this. It feels like being, not doing. Similar to just being with a loved one, basking in each others love. Yes it seems very important if we are going to have a relationship with anyone we need to just sometimes 'be' with them and just enjoy the love and feel the union of this love.
Well obviously doing this with God is even more essential. He truly is our Father and so I can see him wanting to love us, and wanting us to feel and truly just be in his love and for us to love him back.
I have so many things on my plate right now, I can at times feel so overwhelmed. Yet I know again its an opportunity to be quiet, center, be still and just love God and let him love me. Seek first the Kingdom and all things shall be added. Yep this is where I am at, and kind of being led. I tend to be a very racing person. I think fast, very fast, talk fast, have millions of thoughts crashing through my brain.
So I think my soul needs to sit, be still and just be in this loving union. It does quiet down my mind, and truly when we have so many challenges at once, this is when we need love the most. I realized this recently. I was trying to cope with and do so many thing on my own.
Then it was at a child's baptism, where I was asked to speak, I realized as I was preparing my talk how much I was not asking for the comfort of the Spirit, which I needed, and how much I was not putting my burdens on Christ. But just trying to do it alone and I felt like a little tug boat being bashed about the waves.
Here is something amazing, as I am writing this I just realized that Ella Fitzgerald is singing A Closer Walk With Thee. Yes I guess that is what my blog is about, and what I am learning about too. I think I will change the title of this blog to that song name. A Closer Walk With Thee.
I suppose that is the upside of having problems, we then do come closer to God and actually from that we can then feel more guided, more love, stronger in our relationshp to him. Well I am going to keep practising the Centering Prayer, wish me luck!
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Being Present
My blogs are going to be different from now on, well at least that is what I plan at this moment. Before they always sounded like chapters from a book. But now I want to write a blog, still positive, but more authentically what I experience in my inner life.
So this one is all about being present or not. Today when I was praying and asking why something has not appeared yet. What I got as an answer was that as long as I keep myself in the future, imagining the future, then it can never come, because my energy is sort of dissipated. I am not here now, but a part of me is over yonder. God said to me that this is why so many prayers come for people in the 11th hour. It isn't that God wants to make us wait, or that he is got this thing about giving us things last minute. He said it is because we sort of put our thoughts or focus, our attention into the future and then are not really present. He said we can only receive things if we are truly present. Here an now. Only when we get to the 11th hour do we often then become present because at that point there is no future. Only the now.
Well yes I could totally see what he was saying to me. I definitely do this. I have noticed how much I live in my mind. Either thinking about the future, remembering the past, judging things, annalyzing things, listening to my own thoughts, racing thoughts. All of this is not very relaxing or peaceful. I realized recently why I procrasinate, its a need for peace and to be centered and present. To be still, to be peace. To not race.
There is a sense, maybe its cultural I don't know if everyone feels this way, that I am in a continual race towards things, careers, marriage, money, slim body, many things. But a sense of deadlines, racing, trying to beat the clock so to speak. I realized there is a part of me that needs to be balanced where I am not always doing, but being as well. I remember President Gordon Hinkley talked about this. That every day we need to be spending some time "being". He's right, and I realized that a part of me really rebells by procrastinating if I don't let myself "be".
So I have started to practice meditation again. I have been doing a "smile to your heart" meditation which is really sweet. I also went back to a group called Centering Prayer. I like it. Its a Christian meditation group. Very sweet. It was nice because it was totally Christ oriented, yet also meditative. I noticed that when I do meditate, my mind is so quiet aftewards and I do feel so much more present. So this is what I am going to be working on over the next while. I realized when I started to meditate that I have a need just to sit quietly to do nothing and simply be.
The next thing I have been realizing lately is that I often live as if I am alone. I forget that I have Jesus in my life to talk to and give over burdens too, as well as the Holy Spirit with in me to comfort me and ask for help from. So the last while has been quite challenging in my life, and with in myself, yet I have had to really reach out for the light more. I have realized I have needed a closer relationship with God, with Jesus, with the Holy Spirit. I know the ultimate solution to every life challenge is a close walk with God. I know that God wants us to be close to him.
He is our father and more than anything he wants us to love and be loved by him, he wants intimacy, and knows this the best thing for us too! I know this is why some people turn to addictions, alcohol, drugs, sex, shopping, gambling, food etc. I have turned mostly to food. But it is a need for comfort, for help, support, love in a way. God offers this, but we need to remember he's there for us. I need to remember this. His love is what I need the most. No addiction is going to fill that void. They are poor substitutes for what my soul really craves.
So...I am going to be going through some big changes in the next while, and I am not sure how its all going to unfold. Even in the next couple of days, I don't know how everything is going to work out perfectly, but a message I always get from God is "be at peace, everything will work out perfectly because you are loved!"
That is what I also want to start really feeling is how loved I am. I heard the expression a Happy Heart recently and I used it today as my words in Centering Prayer. I just kept focusing on the words " happy heart" I think so much about whether were are happy or believe we can succeed etc is knowing and truly feeling and getting that we are loved. I need to get that. I am going to start writing out at the end of the day how I was loved during the day.
So this one is all about being present or not. Today when I was praying and asking why something has not appeared yet. What I got as an answer was that as long as I keep myself in the future, imagining the future, then it can never come, because my energy is sort of dissipated. I am not here now, but a part of me is over yonder. God said to me that this is why so many prayers come for people in the 11th hour. It isn't that God wants to make us wait, or that he is got this thing about giving us things last minute. He said it is because we sort of put our thoughts or focus, our attention into the future and then are not really present. He said we can only receive things if we are truly present. Here an now. Only when we get to the 11th hour do we often then become present because at that point there is no future. Only the now.
Well yes I could totally see what he was saying to me. I definitely do this. I have noticed how much I live in my mind. Either thinking about the future, remembering the past, judging things, annalyzing things, listening to my own thoughts, racing thoughts. All of this is not very relaxing or peaceful. I realized recently why I procrasinate, its a need for peace and to be centered and present. To be still, to be peace. To not race.
There is a sense, maybe its cultural I don't know if everyone feels this way, that I am in a continual race towards things, careers, marriage, money, slim body, many things. But a sense of deadlines, racing, trying to beat the clock so to speak. I realized there is a part of me that needs to be balanced where I am not always doing, but being as well. I remember President Gordon Hinkley talked about this. That every day we need to be spending some time "being". He's right, and I realized that a part of me really rebells by procrastinating if I don't let myself "be".
So I have started to practice meditation again. I have been doing a "smile to your heart" meditation which is really sweet. I also went back to a group called Centering Prayer. I like it. Its a Christian meditation group. Very sweet. It was nice because it was totally Christ oriented, yet also meditative. I noticed that when I do meditate, my mind is so quiet aftewards and I do feel so much more present. So this is what I am going to be working on over the next while. I realized when I started to meditate that I have a need just to sit quietly to do nothing and simply be.
The next thing I have been realizing lately is that I often live as if I am alone. I forget that I have Jesus in my life to talk to and give over burdens too, as well as the Holy Spirit with in me to comfort me and ask for help from. So the last while has been quite challenging in my life, and with in myself, yet I have had to really reach out for the light more. I have realized I have needed a closer relationship with God, with Jesus, with the Holy Spirit. I know the ultimate solution to every life challenge is a close walk with God. I know that God wants us to be close to him.
He is our father and more than anything he wants us to love and be loved by him, he wants intimacy, and knows this the best thing for us too! I know this is why some people turn to addictions, alcohol, drugs, sex, shopping, gambling, food etc. I have turned mostly to food. But it is a need for comfort, for help, support, love in a way. God offers this, but we need to remember he's there for us. I need to remember this. His love is what I need the most. No addiction is going to fill that void. They are poor substitutes for what my soul really craves.
So...I am going to be going through some big changes in the next while, and I am not sure how its all going to unfold. Even in the next couple of days, I don't know how everything is going to work out perfectly, but a message I always get from God is "be at peace, everything will work out perfectly because you are loved!"
That is what I also want to start really feeling is how loved I am. I heard the expression a Happy Heart recently and I used it today as my words in Centering Prayer. I just kept focusing on the words " happy heart" I think so much about whether were are happy or believe we can succeed etc is knowing and truly feeling and getting that we are loved. I need to get that. I am going to start writing out at the end of the day how I was loved during the day.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Say YES! To Life! And Let The Magic Begin!
I read recently in a great book called What's Your Purpose by Richard Jacobs, that a lot of people get stuck in NO. He explained that with batteries you first have the negative but the energy needs to move to the positive or the energy stagnates and even stops. So with people he said that sometimes we need to say a no to something but then to move quickly to the yes. A lot of of people never get to the yes they only stay in the no. So for instance, maybe they don't like their job. They will spend hours, maybe years complaining about it, talking about what they hate about it etc. They are a big walking no. But they never move to YES which would be what they do like, love, want instead.
I could really relate to this. So I started practising saying YES, infact I put up the word YES all around my room. I realized that I do get stuck in no, and this is what makes the whole flow of life stop. I had asked God this exact question. I noticed in life sometimes the flow of life would pour into my life. Money, opportunities, people, neat experiences etc. Then other times it seemed as if everything stopped. I have had this experience for years and I wondered why???
I asked God and then was led to this book that explained it perfectly. A complete answer to my prayer. I then also started a YES group on facebook. I invited many people but only 3 people other than me have joined. We say yes to things every day. Then one of these people had me over for dinner and she said "lets shake hands and make a pact that we are going to say YES to life from now on and we can check in with each other in a few months." we shook hands and off we went. Now what was amazing was by 8:20 in the morning the next morning I had already said no to 2 of my ideas. It was amazing how easy and often no came out of me. So I have been practising saying YES to life and it is proving to be quite an amazing experience. It is already making my life into such a fun adventure.
I remember the movie Yes Man. He was a blocked big NO!! Then he started saying YES to everything. What he learned was he didn't need to say yes to everything, we need to be discerning and have some boundries of course. But when something good came his way, or there was something he did want to do or try, or he had a worthy idea that he needed to say YES!
Doing this opened his life and changed it! I have been finding the same thing. I have just begun this and so it will be interesting to see in a few months what my life looks like (a side note: as I was writing this the Battle Hymn of the Repulic was being blaringly sung by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. I have one of their CD's on and that was the song that was playing as I was writing this. Seems fitting!! LOL)
I also am becoming aware of how blocking others are too. Which is one of the reasons I said no to myself because I find the world can be a very no place. Not always a very open YES place. So because of this I started at some point saying no to myself and to the world because of their nos. I wasn't this way as a child as I am sure most of us weren't. Really inside of us all is still a very enthusiastic, happy, creative, excited child.
It seems like the world likes to make things as difficult as possible and put up lots of road blocks for us. This can be discouraging, or people may not seem very open to us, so this can make us then say no to them or ourselves for trying to go forward. I think it is this mentality that has dampered so many spirits in the world. Think of how much creativity never gets born because NO has become such a virus.
But really we are just passing the NO on. We experienced NO from people, then we become a NO then we start doing this to others. This is how NO has become so popular. But we can begin breaking that cycle and become the YES's of the world.
We just need to keep saying YES and know that our YES will break down and remove any road block that comes our way. If we committ to being a YES person then I think life will have to say YES back, and probably we will meet other YES people in our travels. I do know that like attracts like. So the more we say yes, the more yes's will come our way. Plus like in the movie Yes Man, and I can say already in my own life, being a yes person is way more fun. Feels way more positive and does open up our lives in a magical ways. In fact I think God can move through us more easily and truly take us to the best places, the happiest experiences if we are YES people.
I now say a big wopping YES to life! If I need to say no, I say it then move onto the yes as fast as possible. I say yes to my ideas, I say yes to God's guidance, I say yes to the wonderful gifts that come my way every day. If someone wants to bless me, I say YES! As the Spirit moves through me I say YES! As I am guided to bless, help or connect with someone I say YES! I am dedicated to being a big walking YES! I make sure when others come to me that I am the Spirit of YES so that I am bringing this energy into the world. I now help make the world a beautiful, kind, happy place of YES!
I could really relate to this. So I started practising saying YES, infact I put up the word YES all around my room. I realized that I do get stuck in no, and this is what makes the whole flow of life stop. I had asked God this exact question. I noticed in life sometimes the flow of life would pour into my life. Money, opportunities, people, neat experiences etc. Then other times it seemed as if everything stopped. I have had this experience for years and I wondered why???
I asked God and then was led to this book that explained it perfectly. A complete answer to my prayer. I then also started a YES group on facebook. I invited many people but only 3 people other than me have joined. We say yes to things every day. Then one of these people had me over for dinner and she said "lets shake hands and make a pact that we are going to say YES to life from now on and we can check in with each other in a few months." we shook hands and off we went. Now what was amazing was by 8:20 in the morning the next morning I had already said no to 2 of my ideas. It was amazing how easy and often no came out of me. So I have been practising saying YES to life and it is proving to be quite an amazing experience. It is already making my life into such a fun adventure.
I remember the movie Yes Man. He was a blocked big NO!! Then he started saying YES to everything. What he learned was he didn't need to say yes to everything, we need to be discerning and have some boundries of course. But when something good came his way, or there was something he did want to do or try, or he had a worthy idea that he needed to say YES!
Doing this opened his life and changed it! I have been finding the same thing. I have just begun this and so it will be interesting to see in a few months what my life looks like (a side note: as I was writing this the Battle Hymn of the Repulic was being blaringly sung by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. I have one of their CD's on and that was the song that was playing as I was writing this. Seems fitting!! LOL)
I also am becoming aware of how blocking others are too. Which is one of the reasons I said no to myself because I find the world can be a very no place. Not always a very open YES place. So because of this I started at some point saying no to myself and to the world because of their nos. I wasn't this way as a child as I am sure most of us weren't. Really inside of us all is still a very enthusiastic, happy, creative, excited child.
It seems like the world likes to make things as difficult as possible and put up lots of road blocks for us. This can be discouraging, or people may not seem very open to us, so this can make us then say no to them or ourselves for trying to go forward. I think it is this mentality that has dampered so many spirits in the world. Think of how much creativity never gets born because NO has become such a virus.
But really we are just passing the NO on. We experienced NO from people, then we become a NO then we start doing this to others. This is how NO has become so popular. But we can begin breaking that cycle and become the YES's of the world.
We just need to keep saying YES and know that our YES will break down and remove any road block that comes our way. If we committ to being a YES person then I think life will have to say YES back, and probably we will meet other YES people in our travels. I do know that like attracts like. So the more we say yes, the more yes's will come our way. Plus like in the movie Yes Man, and I can say already in my own life, being a yes person is way more fun. Feels way more positive and does open up our lives in a magical ways. In fact I think God can move through us more easily and truly take us to the best places, the happiest experiences if we are YES people.
I now say a big wopping YES to life! If I need to say no, I say it then move onto the yes as fast as possible. I say yes to my ideas, I say yes to God's guidance, I say yes to the wonderful gifts that come my way every day. If someone wants to bless me, I say YES! As the Spirit moves through me I say YES! As I am guided to bless, help or connect with someone I say YES! I am dedicated to being a big walking YES! I make sure when others come to me that I am the Spirit of YES so that I am bringing this energy into the world. I now help make the world a beautiful, kind, happy place of YES!
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