Come As a Little Child

I spent some time doing Centering Prayer today.  I tried 10 minute intervals, because I wasn't sure how long I could really do it for.  But actually it went quite well.  I just sat saying my word in my head, if my thoughts tried to take over I came back to my word, and just made the intention to love God and experience God's love and be in loving union.  I have to say it was a beautiful experience.  I could really feel mine and his love and it really made me smile. 

What I also became aware of is that for awhile now very subtly I had definitely been "leaning on my own understanding rather than God's"  Now I didn't realize this.  It was subtle.  But I had been experiencing on a small level the prodigal son syndrom.  Not dramatically, so I didn't even notice, but in a small way.  This had made me feel a bit separate from God's Kingdom, a little out side of it.  What I learned was that when we "lean on our own understanding rather than God's" some of the innocent, pure, humility goes out the window.  So does the feeling of being really guided, taken care of, loved etc.  Its replaced by a bit of anger, frustration, a fighting, rebelling spirit.  Now like I said it was just a small amount for me, I have experienced this in much much larger ways in the past.  But it was still there.  I found by doing the centering prayer and simply focusing on loving God, I became aware of this, and was able to start letting it go.  I hear the Holy Spirit speaking to me about it, making me aware of it.  I then had the coming back home experience. 

I felt my innocence return.  Now I guess the part that I am trying to work out, and perhaps this is a life long process for everyone, is how to balance having a mind where we are meant to think, reason things out, choose things in life etc.  And yet lean not on our own understanding but on God's.  I don't think I intentionally want to step out of the kingdom at all, but trying to work out how to be a person with a mind, with choice, with freedom, with an individual personality and yet also remain still a child of God.  Live in that harmony, that relationship, have that innocence and humility.  Well if anyone has any  comments on how to do this effectively please let me know.  I would love to hear your thoughts on this.