Last week, I got to experience what it was like to feel Spiritually not well. I had been consumed with feeling a lot of guilt and negative feelings because I am not yet truly living creatively the way I want. I spent a lot of time digesting a lot of harshness, and negativity. I ended up finally after doing this for a good couple of weeks, feeling filled with darkness, feeling beat up, feeling hard, cold, angry towards myself and others.
I actually felt sick in my spirit. I had to really begin praying, reading scripture, getting blessings. Finally I went to see the Bishop because I could feel I had let a lot of darkness into my soul and talked with him about it, and he did the most powerful blessing I have ever had. "You have a very special relationship to Heavenly Father" and "fill your heart with the love of Christ and this will help you feel filled with the light, and will help guide you in where to live, what to do as a career etc. " there was lots more. I had been feeling bad about all the darkness I had let in before I was baptised just through living outside the Gospel. I was reminded in this blessing that Baptism washed all that away.
Also, I learned from this experience that if we let in a lot of darkness we will suffer in our spirits and spirit suffering is way way worse than physical or emotional. That is actually what depression and anxiety truly is. It is the darkness we feel when we have ingested tons of negativity either from our own thoughts, and words, music, TV, movies, books etc. It is being spiritually ill inside. This is what I experienced many years ago when I was clinically depressed and filled with anxiety all day. I cured both of these things, by totally embracing the light and turning away from the dark, and becoming a positive person as opposed to a negative person. I made myself spiritually well, and this totally irradicated all depression and anxiety throughout my day.
It gave me an insight to the early Pioneers of our church, and how they could have suffered physically, emotionally even, yet have been so happy.
They were spiritually on track, and they could feel it and they knew it. There is nothing so glorious as being spiritually on track, it truly is the greatest happiness. Also, usually in life, with out the Holy Spirit, there are buffers, and layers of denial that keep us from feeling the true pain in our Spirits. What happened to me was the Holy Spirit took away my buffers and I felt exactly what my Spirit was actually feeling. I had a revelation that this is what happens after we die. That the buffers and denial, layers that sit on top of our spirits goes away and we are just left with our spirit and we then get to feel exactly how our spirits feel.
The day my mother passed away she came to me and told me something about this. So much of what is considered normal in our culture really is hurting our spirits, we just can't "feel" it because of the buffers and layers of denial, and the ideas that its all normal.
So even though it was very painful to go through this, I do see it as a gift, I got to truly feel what I was doing to my spirit, and once again understood how important, love, positivity, gentless, purity, innocence is. I am happy to say I am back on track spiritually and feel wonderful, and was able to go to the Temple on Saturday and felt the best I have ever felt there.
I now fill myself, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually with the things of Spirit, and surround myself with the protection of Heaven, making myself very spiritually happy!
No comments:
Post a Comment